President Trump announced this week that every adult American citizen will receive a $5,000 “Justice Dividend” if all twelve jurors in Lindsay Clancy’s second trial unanimously find her guilty following the disastrous first trial where a sole conservative black man prevented the demented liberals in the jury from setting the killer mother free.
Clancy brutally murdered her three young children by strangling them with exercise bands, but it appears she has been unable to exorcise her own demons.
Speaking from the South Lawn alongside the holdout juror, Michael Desronvil, Trump said the payments would be funded by “tremendous tariff money, funds collected from foreigners who purchased Trump Gold Cards, and my winnings from a Polymarket bet that I’d strike Iran in February.”
“Eleven people wanted to let her walk. One man said no. That’s the whole story,” Trump told reporters. “If we can get twelve Americans like Mr. Desronvil, every LEGAL CITIZEN will get five grand. It’s called incentives people. The Democrats don’t understand incentives, the only understand bribes and criminality.”
The president thought up the idea after he also offered U.S. citizens $5,000 each if the GOP maintains control of both the House and Senate in the upcoming midterms.
Treasury officials estimated the programs could cost roughly $1.2 trillion if triggered. Clancy’s defense attorney called the offer “an outrageous attempt to influence a jury,” but POTUS responded that the attorney was “very angry, probably because his client isn’t getting the five thousand.”
Senate Republicans praised the plan as “creative,” while Senate Democrats called it “jury tampering with direct deposit.” Economists noted that conditioning a national cash transfer on a unanimous criminal verdict has no precedent in U.S. fiscal policy.
Trump closed the event by addressing potential jurors directly. “Do the right thing,” he said. “America is counting on you. Also your neighbors are counting on you. Also your neighbors’ car payments are counting on you. It’s a beautiful system.”
The president also noted jurors who vote not guilty and deny their peers the Trump dividend could be in danger as they’d likely be targeted by the outraged and in debt citizens.
The second trial is expected to begin after jury selection, background checks, and, according to a campaign email sent twenty minutes later, “a short informational webinar titled Twelve Votes, Five Thousand Dollars.”