The Trump administration partnered with Israeli intelligence this week to weaponize American iceberg lettuce supplies against the Iranian regime after the vegetable was tainted by the recent Cyclospora outbreak.
Inspired by Israel’s brutal explosive beeper operation that targeted Hezbollah members across Lebanon and Syria in 2024, the U.S. secretly sent the parasite-laced greens to Iran under the guise of a humanitarian aid shipment sent by a leftist American organization sympathetic to the radical Muslim cause.
Hoping to “make the mullahs shit themselves” and interrupt their strategic wartime planning, the lettuce was sent as U.S. and Israeli forces targeted Iranian Pepto-Bismol carriers to ensure the regime had no path to curing their ailments.
Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was said to be “personally excited” by the idea of using a real U.S. foodborne outbreak as a foreign-policy tool and getting the unhealthy salad ingredient off the tables of Americans, according to one aide.
The shredded iceberg lettuce, traced to the same Taylor Farms de Mexico supply chain, is currently sickening citizens in nine U.S. states and half the Midwest’s Taco Bell locations.
Strategically inducing diarrhea is a new level of biological warfare as the Trump admin has been forced to get creative amid the ongoing and rapidly escalating war.
Iranian officials are reportedly debating how to retaliate, with some suggesting an assault on America’s trendy pumpkin spice supply before the products hit major chains such as Starbucks and Dunkin’ Donuts.
Cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, cloves and allspice would be the focus of the Iranian agricultural attack.
Meanwhile, Iran’s hardliners are rumored to be proposing they hit President Trump where it hurts by targeting McDonald’s “hard.”
The concept is that if they could effectively upset POTUS’ belly, he would become even more irrational and make poor military decisions.
Plus, as one source close to the Mullahs said, “A large portion of the McDonald’s menu is not Halal.”
The food wars have officially begun!