President Donald J. Trump is reportedly considering challenging Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to a no-holds-barred MMA cage fight at the inaugural UFC Freedom 250, to be held on the South Lawn of the White House next week.
According to three sources with direct knowledge of the Oval Office meltdown, a rift between POTUS and Netanyahu exploded during a late-night call when Trump asked the Israeli PM, “Are you fucking crazy?” for refusing to help end the ongoing Iran war.
Then, the president learned of Netanyahu meeting with American congressmen and convincing them to slip a clause into the 2027 National Defense Authorization Act that would integrate the IDF into the U.S. military, giving the Netanyahu government full access to American military technologies and intelligence.
While POTUS has thus far been quiet about the controversial idea, he allegedly told White House staffers, “He thinks he’s gonna run my military like it’s his personal West Bank security detail? I built that military back up, beautiful military, the best, and he’s trying to pull this sneaky shit on me?”
“Wait until I get him in the fucking octagon, I’m gonna end that bald prick,” he ranted.
According to whistleblowers, President Trump will challenge Netanyahu in front of the whole world just after the main event, with legendary UFC referee Herb Dean officiating the match if Bibi accepts the challenge.
Asked about the rumors of a Trump-Netanyahu brawl, UFC commentator Joe Rogan said the Israeli PM could have an advantage if he focuses on the president’s weak spot, the bone spurs in his heels.
However, Rogan said POTUS has a massive height and reach advantage, noting he could do significant damage if he were able to put a foot up Bibi’s ass and irritate his benign prostate tumor.
UFC President Dana White was allegedly already summoned to the White House to being the designs for each world leader’s walkout outfit, Trump in a gold-plated robe that says “America First, Bibi Last” and Netanyahu in a black tactical onesie embroidered with tiny Star of David, with fine print reading, “Sponsored by U.S. taxpayers.”
Pentagon brass are quietly horrified. One four-star general, speaking on condition of anonymity because he still wants his pension, said, “We’ve spent eighty years making sure Israel doesn’t drag us into every regional shitshow, and now the Commander-in-Chief wants to settle foreign policy with Brazilian jiu-jitsu? Jesus Christ.”
Senator Tom Cotton has already volunteered to be Trump’s cutman, and sources say the President has already started training by shadowboxing in front of the Resolute Desk while yelling “You’re fired!” at a cardboard cutout of Netanyahu.
Polymarket and Kalshi bets are leaning towards Trump landing a wild overhand right in the first ninety seconds, followed by Netanyahu immediately calling for a UN ceasefire.